Yesterday I was going through a bunch of old songs that I used to love when I was a child, and this song came up (please ignore the video content, this is the only one I found). My mom had a Michael W. Smith CD that I used to love. I would always insist that we listen to it in the car though I had no idea what the song was saying. I had no idea it was about a person who is struggling with his faith, and little did I know that would be me in the year 2006-10.
Sometimes I still have moments of doubts about religion in general. There seem to be random holes that can’t be explained. I can’t think of any now, but when I was younger I used to ask my family about this or that and they would just tell me I have to ask God when I get to heaven and this is the same answer I have gotten since I have been older.
Don’t get me wrong, I believe that Jesus Christ is my Lord and Savior. I 100% believe that he exists, I never doubted that, but when I was in high school I thought that there was NO WAY he was there for me. I felt like he was picking and choosing who to help, and Justin didn’t make the cut.
1) My past. I had to deal with a douche bag for a stepfather. He was verbally abusive towards me and my brothers and he didn’t do shit as far as a “father figure” goes. He was in my life for the purpose of making it miserable. He brought the police to our house once for pulling a gun on some lady that was freakin out in our living room and did all kinds of drugs in the garage while I made dinner for my brothers at the age of 11 or so. He ruined my mom’s business that she started by herself and couldn’t have treated her worse. He ruined parts of my child hood and treated my mom terribly. I recall him calling her a cunt once. At the time I had no idea what that was, but now I do and I DO NOT appreciate it.
As a kid, I remember crying before I went to sleep, praying and praying for God to get me away from my house and away from him. Why would God put me in this situation? What did I do wrong? Why would he let my mother be hurt over and over again? Why would he create a person like this? Why why why? I didn’t understand until I was older, that along with the good, God made the bad. He gave people free will. He gave people the ability to be douche bags and hurt people. It was up to the individual person how their life was going to turn out.
In the 7th grade my mother made the 100% right choice to get us out of the house and finally left that loser. My family says that she should have gotten us out sooner and that she never should have married him, blah blah blah. The last person I blame on this subject is my mom. She chose to marry him because HE was devious. He promised her he would get clean and change his ways. He lied to her so I don’t see the point in blaming my mother. She was nothing but a great wife to him. She did everything in her power to be a good wife to him (as the Bible says a woman should do). She never put him over her children, though. When it came to us, she made sure we were safe whenever possible and when our safety was threatened she got us out of the situation. I love my mother and I will defend her actions until the day I die. She did the best job she knew how to do in that situation. I love my mom more than anyone in this entire planet for so many reasons (but we won’t go into that; that could be a blog entirely in itself).
2) Being gay (change the record, I know). It is true though. I would pray to change it, every night. Sometimes I was okay with pretending to be someone else but it was exhausting. I felt like no one knew who I really was and keeping a secret like that is hard. My mom always asked me if I had a secret when I would get depressed and I said no. It was more than a secret. I honestly believed that I would never be able to tell anyone. I felt it to be impossible. When I told people that they knew “everything about me” it meant “you know everything about me, minus one thing that no one will ever know”. I couldn’t keep it forever though. Especially when I realized that it isn’t a bad thing. When I became more knowledgeable about it. The fact that it can’t be controlled, and the fact that I am not going to hell for it. I know that some will say that “free will of humanity” has played a part in my choice and it has. I have decided to tell people. I have chosen my happiness above living a life alone or pretending. The only choice I made was to tell people. I believe God gave me a voice for a reason. I also don’t think that being gay is such a bad thing anymore. I don’t cry prayers to change myself anymore. God made me the way I am.
The point is, for so long I was a missing person. This song demonstrates how I felt when I was in high school. “And try to figure it out, this undeniable doubt.” I didn’t want to doubt the very person I have been taught to worship my whole life. I didn’t want to go against him, so I didn’t. I just abandoned him. I “hid” from him, though I know he never stopped watching me.
“He used to want to try and walk the straight and narrow, he had a fire and he could feel the marrow. It’s been a long time and I haven’t seen him lately, though. I’ve been searching for that missing person.” I love the chorus. I have found myself again and I know what I want. I don’t go to church, no. However, I have found out that I want God to be part of my life again. Some don’t call me a Christian but it doesn’t matter what they think. This is between God and I and no one can tell me that God isn’t with me and that he didn’t make me how I am today. I am a strong person and he made me strong for a reason.
Sometimes I am still looking for that missing person that I used to be. I look for the faith I used to carry so strongly, but it is coming back now. I don’t feel so alone anymore. Sometimes, I mess up, no. A lot of the times I mess up. I know God is in my heart though, and sometimes I still search for how I used to be, but I know what I want in life and I know that I will get it.
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