Broken Down Busses & Rerouting

The more time that goes by in my life, the more I understand how things come to be. Life doesn’t give a shit about your plans. Period.

I remember growing up I always thought I’d be married by 24. At the time I thought it would be with a girl but when I finally came out I was still hoping for something serious by then. Here I am at 25 and not even close to my goal and having to do some serious rethinking on my goals and how achievable they are.

I remember in college I really wanted to date a frat guy. I knew he would be kind of a douche but I always hoped that I would be the one he’d be sweet to and I’d get to go to all the functions with him and be the envy of any other gay dude who wanted that. I have no idea why but I really wanted this and I remember the day I realized it would never happen. It was about halfway through my final year at the university. I literally didn’t have enough time to make my dream come true. Even if it did, we’d go down our separate roads after graduation because I already knew I was moving to Medford and it wasn’t up for discussion, especially in a relationship that would only have a few months by then.

Now, for those of you who don’t know me very well… Not getting my way and realizing that it was literally impossible took me a while to digest. I was like “wait… what?” I’ve always believed that if I really want something and it is a true desire that somehow I would end up with it. My life philosophy was rocked that year when I realized that I would never have the opportunity again to have my dream come true because college was almost over and it never happened.

Now I wonder how many other things won’t come true. Will I ever find someone I truly love? Will I settle? Will I just say “f*** it” and adopt kids by myself?

I’ve been in love once and loved twice. The first time I was head over heels, would’ve done anything for him. The second time I was foolish but still cautious and didn’t let my emotions get the absolute best of me in the end.

Both times circumstance took my happiness away. It wasn’t our choice to make, our life paths just didn’t travel together. They collided and then separated.

I learned a lot from these experiences but it has me jaded. I was just telling my friend the other day that I don’t even want to try dating anymore. I literally just don’t care. I think “well, I could go on a date with this guy, he’s pretty cute. Really though… It probably won’t work out."  So then I decide to have fun and hang out with my friends instead because I love my friends and they make me happy, while dating just seems to disappoint over and over.

I know everyone goes through this… and I don’t need any “someday blah blah blah.” You could be right or you could be wrong. I may never find the man of my dreams, it’s possible. However, I could look back at this one day and roll my eyes sitting next to my husband and children. My life plan is already set. Whatever happens is exactly what should.

I’m just too much of a dreamer for my own good and quite impatient.

It has been bothering me though. I’m predisposed to optimism but lately it’s been more on the pessimistic side and it feels like that’s the more realistic side simultaneously. It protects me from getting my hopes up like I’ve done my entire life.

Who knows what the future holds but right now I’m in the most opposite state of mind I’ve ever been in and I’m preparing for the fact that my dreams may not come true and I might just be one of those dudes that never find someone I truly connect with. Maybe my bus came and went.

Anywho, rant over. I have so much to be thankful for. My friends, family and professional development are at an all time high and I love my home in Southern Oregon. So it just goes to show that what I want and what I’m meant for are two different things and the big man has His plan for me despite the fact it’s not always ideal with my seemingly irrelevant timeline. So I will end this with my feelings on dating at the moment:

Apology Flowers

I learned something a couple days ago- you don’t need to be married to give someone apology flowers. Some might say “duh” but let me explain: 

My roommate and I set off on our adventure down to Southern Oregon July 2015, shortly after I graduated from Oregon State, she had graduated in 2014. It’s been a little over a year now and the whole experience has come full circle. We’ve always been close but this adventure has brought us closer than ever before because we’re learning how to adult together. Yes, adulting is a verb in my book.

Things had been a little off with us for a couple weeks on my end. I was thinking “we definitely need to talk about this but we will and then we’ll move on and go do whatever it is we do” which is typically grabbing a drink or two with our friends and avoiding adult responsibilities after a long day of said responsibilities.  

I get her flowers as a precursor to the conversation because I had made the situation worse by throwing an absolute fit over something I found out never even happened- negative adult point. I didn't get them because I felt like I had to, I got them because it was a kind gesture and I had realized that I was an asshole earlier. Also, who doesn’t love flowers? 

As the conversation unfolds she tells me that we’ve had something funky between us since May, keep in mind it’s September, almost October, at this point and I’m absolutely floored. I had no idea. Also, super glad I got the flowers at this point because it’s almost like I did know.  

We talk more and I find out that while I was really unhappy here in Medford she was unsure of how to handle me. For anyone who knows me, this is a full time job in itself. I turn into an absolute bear when I’m cranky about my life. So all this time has gone by and I had no idea that she felt this way and it drove me nuts to feel that way for a couple of weeks.  

No we aren’t married but we are learning invaluable skills in doing life with someone. How do we make sure we’re both happy? What’s the protocol for making plans? How do we make up after a fight? As professional singles, we haven’t had to deal with these questions. We get to learn how to communicate with one another, get through the victories and the disappointments and even if we’re a little snappy, we’re getting it figured out like mature adults.  

WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING TO US?

  

We’re growing up. We’re growing together while doing our own things on our own career paths at the same time and it’s a pretty damn cool feeling. We have a lot to learn but it really is something special when you have someone to share life with. Be it a spouse, boyfriend or best friend.