More Than Friends

             “Holy shit.” Derek panted and rolled over to lie on his back, next to Marcus. “You know the right buttons to push.” He laughed, putting his hands behind his head and laying back on the pillow.  Marcus smiled and sat up.

“Yeah it was great.” Marcus looked over at the smooth, tan chest that belonged to Derek. Sometimes he was angry that he loved the look of a man so much. He looked at a woman’s naked body and felt nearly nothing. He had tried for so long to enjoy it as much as a man’s but he never succeeded. His eyes trailed down his buddy’s abdominals which glistened in a light layer of sweat currently.

“You okay?” Derek asked, smirking at Marcus with his perfect teeth and tanned faced.

“Yeah. I am gonna head out, though.” Marcus slipped his legs out of bed to get dressed but Derek moved quickly and wrapped his arms around his stomach and rested his head on Marcus’s shoulders.

“You don’t have to.”

“Derek.”

“Marcus.” He retorted. “You can stay. I’m starting to think that we are just fuck buddies.”

Marcus waited a moment. He didn’t know what they were.

“We are friends. Right?” Marcus answered lamely. He didn’t want to like Derek anymore than he already did.

“I’m not going to wait forever.” Derek kissed Marcus’s neck and slipped his arms away and lay back down on the bed. “We have been seeing each other for almost 3 months now.” 

“I know.” Marcus sighed and hung has head into his hands. “Shit.”

“You will have to come out someday. I mean, I am not trying to tell you to do it now or anything. You just need to realize that stereotypes aren’t how the world works. That’s why they are called stereotypes.”

“Easy for you to say.” Marcus snapped.

“Don’t be rude. You know it’s not easy for anyone to come out. I don’t look gay, Marc. I don’t run around with a purse and a high pitched voice. Don’t patronize me. It was hard for me... Overcoming my family’s response and all of my high school friends was the hardest thing I ever had to do.” Derek explained, trying not to become angry.

“They accept you now.” Marcus said.

“Not my friends. What kind of a jock is gay? They were pissed at me because they were convinced I was checking them out in the locker room. All they talk about is how much pussy they can get in one night. Do you honestly think they like hanging out with me anymore? I have my female friends, and you. Maybe a couple of my straight friends hang out with me occasionally. That’s not exactly accepting.”

“You aren’t black.” Marcus snapped. “I have two stereotypes I am supposed to be following. That of a jock and a black man.”

“Fuck the stereotypes, Marcus. Jesus.” Derek scoffed. “If people can’t accept you being gay, then—”

“I’m not gay.” Marcus snapped again.

There was a tense moment.

“Really? That is a strange statement seeing as how you just had sex with me and last I checked, we are both guys.”

Marcus didn’t know why he said that. He was gay and he knew it.

“I need to go.” Marcus stood up and put his underwear and jeans on. He looked around for a moment until he saw Derek holding the t-shirt he was searching for. He had gotten out of bed and was standing in front of him with only athletic shorts on. Marcus grabbed the shirt and put it on quickly. Derek stepped forward and put his hand on Marcus’s cheek. Marcus only stared at him. He had started to feel strongly toward him. He thought about him more than he had ever thought about a past girlfriend. He wanted to talk to him all day. He didn’t want to leave right now but he had to. He had to stop this. He wasn’t strong enough to come out. Ever. He had been so proud of Derek when he came out to his friends and family. He came out completely in about a week.

Derek put his hand on the back of Marcus’s neck and pulled him closer.

Shit. Marcus thought. He wanted to run but he couldn’t. Derek’s mouth opened and their lips connected. Marcus’s hands went to Derek’s hips and pulled him closer. His hands traveled up Derek’s back and pulled their chests together, as tightly as he could manage without suffocating him. He wanted to pull Derek as close as he could. Their lips opened and closed over one another so many times, Marcus couldn’t count how long they had been kissing.

“Damn it.” Marcus muttered between kisses and looked down.

“Marcus…” Derek’s hand went under his chin and pushed it up so Marcus had to face him. Derek went in for another kiss and Marcus moved his hands and pushed lightly against his chest. Derek didn’t let go.

“Derek. Please.” Marcus mumbled. Derek’s lips were pressed against Marcus’s neck, but there was no sexual tone to the kisses. It was an emotional tone and Marcus could feel it. He had wanted to just kiss Derek so many times, but never did it. His mind was a flurry of confusion. Suddenly Marcus shoved Derek away. Derek tried to catch his balance but fell to the floor of his bedroom.

“Shit, I didn’t mean to do that.” Marcus reached down to help him up instantly. Derek looked at the hand stretched in front of him and looked away.

“I think you were right. You should leave.” Derek stood up without the help of his friend in front of him. “Now.” Marcus saw the tears welling up in Derek’s eyes before he turned around and went into the bathroom, slamming the door. Marcus stared at the door for a moment, thinking about trying to apologize, but then just sighed and left the apartment.

Once he got into his SUV Marcus slammed his hands into the steering wheel. He grabbed his phone and sent a text to Derek.

I’m so sorry… :( Give me some time.

Then he scrolled down his contacts to “Tara” and clicked the call button. It only rang once.

“Marcus?”

“Hey Tara.”

“Shoot. I haven’t heard from you in almost a month.” He couldn’t tell if she was angry or not. “How have you been?” She finished, knowing how the first statement had sounded. She knew him too well.

“Can I talk to you?” He said with a serious tone.

“Uh, yeah. Yeah we can. Now?” She asked.

“Yeah.” Marcus said, wanting to make it soon before he changed his mind.

“I am babysitting little Marc, and Emily. Can you come over?”

“Be there soon.” Marcus said, starting his vehicle.

“Okay…” Tara’s voice trailed off as he hung up.

In a matter of minutes he pulled up to the apartment of his ex-girlfriend, and closest friend. He nearly ran up the stairs and knocked on the apartment door. Tara opened it with a concerned look. She was around 5’ 8” with her jet black hair pulled into a pony tail. She was wearing a pink sweatshirt and navy blue sweat pants that hugged the curves of her body.

“Marcus!” Tara’s siblings ran up to him and hugged his legs.

“Hey kiddos.” He pretended to be happy for them.

“You got bigger.” Little Marc said from below. Marcus had been 6’ 4” for almost 3 years and ever since he knew the little guy he had said that.

“Man, you crazy. You got bigger! How old are you guys, again?”

“I’m 12. Little Marc is 9.” Emily answered in a matter-of-fact tone. Ever since she turned twelve she had thought she was the smartest girl in the world. He hadn’t seen them for five or six months though. Tara had moved out of her parents’ house so hethey weren’t around as often. Little Marc loved him though.

“Em, will you go to the park outside and play with little Marc? Marcus and I need to talk.”

Emily spit her tongue out and argued for a little while before taking Little Marc by the hand and going out the back door to the playground right outside her apartment. They shut the sliding glass door in the back of the house and Tara sat at the dining room table to watch them.

“So what’s up?” Tara asked, confused.

“This is going to sound ridiculous.” Marcus said as he sat down at the table across from Tara.

“I uh…” Marcus didn’t want to say it. He had never said it before. Not even when he was alone.

“I am not… straight.” He said slowly, staring at the table. After she didn’t say anything for a while he looked up and she had a smile on her face.

“You’re kidding, right?”

“No. I’m uh… I’m… Well, I guess I’m…” He stuttered. “Fuck. I can’t even say it.” He brought his hand to his head and ran his hands through his hair.

“You’re gay? For real?” Her smile faded. Marcus only nodded.

“I’m… gay. Yep.” He said quietly.

“But we… We had sex. A lot of sex.”

“I know.” He was hoping she wouldn’t pursue it.

“Well last I checked you needed to stay hard to do that.” She almost laughed.

“Well, if you remember right, getting it up wasn’t always easy.” He gave a nervous laugh. She thought back for a moment, her face showing that she realized he was telling the truth.

“How did you…?” She asked, not sure if she wanted the answer.

“Well I mean, I’m really hot so…” He joked but she didn’t look to be in the mood. “Okay well… It’s hard to explain but… the idea of sex is kind of a turn on. So I just… Fed into that. The heavy breathing and biting and stuff like that is enough for me.”

“I guess that’s reasonable enough.” She thought to herself. “Wow. You’re gay. I didn’t see that coming. You don’t fit the stereotype.”

“I know.” He muttered, obviously annoyed.

“What does that mean?” Tara asked.

“Nothing.”

“No. Marcus, what’s wrong? What do you mean by that?”

“I mean that I don’t know where I even belong. I am supposed to be this tough guy since I’m a jock and I’m well… Black. Both of those things come with implications.”

“Not if you don’t let them. A stereotype loses its validity if you just say screw it.”

“Easy for you. You naturally fit stereotypes, girlie.”

“Really? Because last a checked there are tons of stereotypes for me. A lot of stereotypes can fit anyone. Don’t be so closed minded.”

“Anyway,” he said, getting slightly annoyed. “The reason I came here to talk is because I am with someone. He wants to be more than we are. And I don’t know how to do that.” He continued to explain what happened today. How he had claimed that he isn’t gay and how he pushed him to the ground, in a flurry of confusion.

“Jesus. Poor guy.”

“Yeah. It’s a hard situation.”

“Not you. Derek! He isn’t even asking you to come out. Is he?” She asked. He thought for a moment.

“No. I don’t think so. He mentioned it in passing but he doesn’t expect me to.”

“No. He just wants it to be more than friends with benefits. So do you.”

Marcus was in shock.

“You are taking this so well, Tara. I thought you would be more… Upset? I don’t know.”

“Well it’s weird, but this is who you are. Plus we have been broken up for a while now… You have got to stop stringing this poor guy along. It sounds like you like him.”

Marcus didn’t say anything. How could he like another man?

“I guess.” He said, knowing that he really did. “What about coming out? No one will accept it. You know that being black makes it harder for me than Derek.”

“Yeah, and if you were in some country in the Middle East you would be killed. It’s always worse for somebody, Marcus. That doesn’t mean you are allowed to live in fear. Be who you are. Screw everyone else.”

“I guess that’s true. I just don’t know if I’m ready.”

“Well, Marcus, it doesn’t sound like anyone is forcing you to come out. It doesn’t sound like Derek is putting you on a time limit. He just wants to be with you, right?”

“Isn’t this weird for you? It’s getting a little weird for me.”

“What? You are my ex? I am totally over you. No offense.” She laughed.

“Well yeah… But you are talking about me being with another guy.”

“Do you think you are the only gay person I know? One of my coworkers is gay. We talk about him and his boyfriend all the time.”

Marcus’s phone went off. He grabbed it and saw a text from Derek.

We need to talk. Like, now. Today was a real eye opener… Idk if I can do this anymore.

“Shit. It might not matter.” He said and slid the phone to Tara. She grabbed the phone and read the text. She typed on the key pad for a few moments and slid the phone back. Marcus looked at the screen at the reply she had sent.

Let’s just talk please. I’m headed over now.

Marcus looked up at her in disbelief because she had actually sent it without asking.

“Go! What are you waiting for?” She laughed and stood up, pushing him out of his chair. He gave a small laugh as he stood up and went to the door. He turned around and gave her a hug.

“What do I say?” He asked

“Do you like this kid?” She asked, giving him a look he couldn’t identify.

“I mean… I… I like to… be with… him.” He finished awkwardly, looking at the ceiling.

“You like to be with him. Do you like talking to him?”

“Yeah.” He admitted.

“Are you sexually attracted to him?”

He stirred uncomfortably.

“Sure.”

“Are you?” She insisted.

“Yes, okay. Yeah. I am.”

“What else is there to decide? We don’t pick who we are attracted to, Marcus. There is no reason to be ashamed.”

“Thank you, Tara. I can’t believe how well you are taking this.” He repeated.

“Just go fix things with him.” She said and playfully pushed him.

“Tell the kids I said bye.”

“Yeah, yeah. If you wait for a month before talking to me again I will kill you. I have more questions.” She smiled as she opened the front door, shooing him out.

Marcus was at the door of Derek’s apartment as soon as he could get there. Derek answered the door and he was still only wearing athletic shorts. Marcus grabbed the back of his neck gently and pushed him backwards, shutting the door with his foot.

“Marc…” Derek grabbed Marcus’s wrist. “You hurt me today. Both physically and… non physically.” He looked down to the ground as Marcus continued to push him backwards.

“I know. I’m sorry… I really am.” He leaned down and pressed his lips to Derek’s. They stood still for a moment and just let their lips melt together. Marcus pulled back and looked at him.

“I like you.” He admitted in a struggled voice. “This isn’t easy for me but if you were with me I think it would be easier. I mean, coming out is going to take a while but I want to be with you, Derek.”

Derek smiled and wrapped his arms around Marcus’s frame. Derek, being 6’ 1”, was just short enough to lay his head on Marcus’s shoulder. Marcus continued to push Derek backwards and into his room. The back of Derek’s leg touched his bed and leaned backward, pulling Marcus onto the bed with him.

“I like you too. So what does this mean?”

“Well let’s hold off on the word ‘boyfriend’.” Marcus smiled.

“Agreed. Sounds weird.” Derek laughed with his arms still around Marcus as they lay down on the bed together.

“But we are way more than fuck buddies.” Marcus smirked and kissed Derek on the lips again.

“You make me happy, Marcus. I don’t mean to push you… I just. I just wanted you to admit that we were more than friends with benefits. I was starting to feel like the crazy girlfriend, imagining this relationship.”

“I know. I understand and I am saying it now. I admit it.”

“Also… Are you sticking to your original statement about you not being gay?” Derek teased. Marcus laughed.

“I have no idea why I said that. Especially after we just had... relations.”

“Kind of a silly statement.” Derek smiled.

Marcus leaned down and began to kiss Derek’s neck.

“I will prove to you,” Marcus said in between kisses, “how gay,” he kissed him again, slipping his hands under his shirt to pull it off,” I really am.”

Derek chuckled as he pulled at Marcus’s clothing as well.