My Incessant Need

I have a problem. I know this. I have this horrid obsession with finding someone in my life. I want to find someone to be with… And it is really dumb. I literally don’t feel like a complete person if I don’t have a significant other.

Before I came out of the closet, it made more sense. I always wanted a girlfriend so people wouldn’t know I was gay. I didn’t want people thinking I was, or even joking about it. I figured if I had a girlfriend all the time then I would be looked at as an equal. Being gay used to make me feel like less of a man. I felt like I wasn’t as good as any of my friends. I always admired them for their standing in the world. I thought, “Hey, if I have a girlfriend, I will be like them.”

Wrong.

It didn’t do anything for anyone. If I had never come out and I married a woman, what would be the point? It would be false. It would surely come up someday. I think my wife would wonder why I wasn’t up for having sex as often as most men. It would come up eventually. It is a very hard secret to keep. You have to have locks on your computers and phones and such, because let’s face it. Men look at porn. It happens to the majority of us. It was a constant worry that someone would find something.

So being with a girl (back in my high school days) made sense. Now I don’t know. It feels like I was put on this world to be with someone. So I am constantly looking and now it is more difficult. I am always looking at some random guy, wondering to myself if he is gay.

Funny story actually:

I have this Writing 121 class that I am taking, right? During the class I notice a few attractive guys and then I notice one that I thought to be looking back at me. A few weeks go by and I swear to god, I thought he was looking at me back. So me, being the outgoing person I am, decided I want to ask him if he is a homosexual man. Well, turns out, that is hard to do, so I bitched out and did it via Facebook. Thank god, because he wasn’t and even worse, his girlfriend sits right next to him in that class.

I was/still am mortified. I still have a week left in that class. I hate it but at the same time I am semi proud that I did it. Most gay men wouldn’t have. Anyway.

My point is: that I have this need to be with someone. I completely made up in my head that this straight guy was looking at me, purely because I want it so bad. I am always wondering when the next person will come along. I try to just let it happen but it is hard.

I started focusing on homework, working out, and my friends but it still comes up. Sometimes I just cry because I don’t have anyone. I am not sure why. I know that I need to be patient and wait to meet someone. It is the advice I give to all of my friends who complain about the same thing. Being gay makes it more difficult to find someone without going online, though. I will just have to wait and see how it turns out. I am trying not to force it. I am trying not to look. It is just nearly impossible. I just always wonder, especially with the more attractive guys. It is depressing to look at someone who you find very handsome, just think “he is probably straight and I will never have someone like that.” Maybe I am just being pessimistic.

I just wish I didn’t want someone so badly. Why does anyone need someone? It seems to be a common goal amongst so many of us. I just don’t understand why I, specifically, can’t be patient.