THIS is How Family Should React

This is an article that my dad wrote for Just Out. It’s a gay magazine in the Portland area and it has some kind of section where people write letters about people that they know ,who happen to be gay. Honestly, I cried when I read this. I have never been so happy. I don’t get a whole lot of support like this so it is good to see that some of my family accepts me 100% and doesn't want me to change. This is the best article I have ever read. Thank you, Dad. I love you so much!

A Day at the Beach

A while ago, I went to Seaside with my (now ex) boyfriend. It was a gorgeous day! If you are familiar with the Oregon coast, you will know this doesn’t happen often. The sand was dry and warm, and the water was warm enough to walk in! Most people will go to the ocean’s edge and force themselves to walk in it and wait for their feet to go numb, but it was a legitimately nice day (a whopping 70 degrees!).  So we take off our shoes and walk in the water and as I am looking out on the ocean I have the compulsion to grab his hand.

The simplest of simple gestures to convey to the other person: “Hey, I like you. I’m glad that I am here with you.” But I can’t do it. The thought flutters across my mind but leaves quickly and I don’t let this thought convert to an action in any way, shape, or form. I can’t.

Why? Is it nerves? No. I feel more comfortable with him than any other guy I have been with. Is it fear of rejection? No. I know he wants to as well. Then what is it?

Fear. I am literally petrified at the thought of grabbing another man’s hand in a public place. I look at the people who are running around with their children, kites, and sand castles. What would they think? Would they be okay with it? Would they yell at me? Would they hit me? What would happen to us?

I wish nothing more than to be able to say screw it and grab his hand and walk down the beach holding hands with someone I like and care about, just like any straight couple could do without any problem or even a turn of a head. If we did that, every head would turn our way and it’s true because even as a gay man, when I see a gay couple holding hands I stare a little bit too long. Society has made it clear that homosexuals are not normal and have forced us to live in fear unless we are safe behind closed doors.

It got me thinking…

When I grow up and have a husband, and a dog, and a couple of kids… Will I even want to go out with them? A picnic in the park? Going to the beach? Back to school shopping? A day at the Disneyland? Will I ever be able to go out with my future family and not be afraid of the harsh glares, rude comments, and aggression toward us?

I know that the day will come when we look back and ask ourselves why we treated the gays so badly and why it was such a huge deal to us, such as how we view slavery now. We will wonder why we oppressed them for so long and made their life harder than it needed to be. Why we killed them on the streets because of their sexual orientation. But will I see that day? I honestly don’t know. I can’t say that I am too optimistic, sadly.

Fifth Floor

I moved into Finley Hall the first night, and found myself bawling in my room because I felt so alone. I didn’t have my roommate and my bed was half the size I was used to be. Then the next morning I woke up and didn’t go into a living room with a comfortable couch and TV, I sat on my dorm bed, putting my bare feet on hard, cold flooring and looked at the small space I was going to be living in until June. I thought it was going to be hell.

Now here I am, two weeks away from moving out and it makes me... (I can’t believe I am saying this) SAD. I am very sad to be leaving the place that I called home for my freshman year in college. This has been one of the most terrifying years of my life and definitely the biggest change. I had acquired three of my very best friends by the time fall term had ended and I was happy enough to just find them (little did I know that I had many more people to befriend). Then Winter Break happened and a lot changed for me. When I came out I had absolutely no idea how the world would accept it, let alone my hall. I was terrified to let anyone know but it turns out that I am surrounded by the best damn friends I could have been surrounded with. I had never felt so accepted in all of my life. Every day the clichés become more and more correct, because I met AMAZING people during my freshman year.

Not saying that it was all fun and games. I had my fair share of drama and tears in the room of 519, outside of Finley, in the parking garage, the study lounge, the main lounge, and everywhere else that 100 people can see me while I am having a tearful conversation with someone, but I can guarantee that the number of laughs and smiles are greater than the bad times I have had.

Sand Volleyball. I am so glad that those courts got put in because ever since then I have become even closer with all of the amazing people I knew, and some people I hadn’t met yet.

Partying in the Dorm. That was probably the best thing to do on the weekends, I would end up talking to everyone on those nights and it was just the best.

“Study Parties”. A few of these have happened but it’s the weirdest thing... When I leave I almost feel less prepared for that big midterm in the morning but it was so incredibly worth it. I just loved everyone being in the same room and laughing at, essentially, nothing.

This has been an awesome experience for me. I found a group of people that are my very best friends, and we will all continue our adventure through college together next year in some apartments. (Finally!) But I will miss Finley. I won’t miss the bathrooms, showers, or quiet hours, but I will miss the people that inhabit the rooms. I am so glad that I met you guys and I will never forget how great my first year of college was. I am going to miss my new life over summer, but I will see you guys in September when we are older and wiser, and ready to tackle the next year!

Lunchables

I wish I could go back in time and tell my 10-year old self to stop complaining about not having a lunchable for the big field trip, and let him know that I will have more lunchables than I know what to do with in college.

I wish I could go back in time and tell Young Justin a lot. I wish I could tell him that everything is going to be okay.

I wish I could tell him when he was in 5^th grade, to not go to school the day that his “girlfriend” broke up with him next to The Kissing Tree in front of her two other friends. I wish I could tell him that wouldn’t be the worse break up, and to be grateful you don’t know what a broken heart is.

I wish I could tell him that him and his mom will get along wonderfully when he grows up. I wish I could tell him that life happens and to not be so bitter toward his father.

I wish I could tell him that by the time he was a sophomore in high school he would have more than 3 friends. That he would have more friends than he knows what to do with. I wish I could go back in time and tell him that everyone will still love him when he comes out of the closet. It sure would have saved a lot of fearful and tearful nights.

Another thing I wish, and possibly the biggest, I wish I could tell Young Justin that mom was right.

“College will be a great experience.”

“You will find out who your real friends are.”

“You will survive this break up.”

“You will find out who you really are.”

“You will regret saying you hated me that one time you stayed out past curfew and I grounded you.”

I wish that all I had to worry about now, was whether or not I had a lunchable on the big field trip, or some homemade lunch. Now I have to worry about an apartment next year, finals, homework, a job, personal issues, sick members of the family, and anything that decides to fall into my lap after a perfectly normal day.

Yup, everyone. Our parents were right when it came to the life lessons. They have been through it all. I think they are a little insensitive to it when we are teenagers, but we are dramatic. It’s how we work. Young people who read this, your parents are right. Get used to it, and shut up! They are there to help you (most of the time). Sometimes they need to be told what’s what, but for the most part just wait… You will see how right they really were, and how dumb YOU really were.

Pray the Gay Away

“Trenton.”

“I don’t want to hear it.” He turned away harshly, moving toward the door.

Two men were standing in the middle of Trenton’s apartment. Trenton was around six feet tall, with short, brown hair and a very short, fashionable beard wrapping around his square jaw line. He had an athletic build, which his t-shirt and gym shorts complimented nicely. The other man, James, was the same height, with blonde hair and no facial hair. He had explosive green eyes with an average build. He was neither muscular nor overweight and was wearing a black, button-up shirt with the sleeves rolled up to his elbows with dark blue jeans.

“Trent, god damn it, let me talk.” James began to raise his voice.

Trenton opened the door to his apartment and gestured for his guest to leave.

“James, get out.”

“Please. I can’t say I am sorry enough.” He grabbed Trenton’s face with both hands. Trenton stared at him for a moment and then shrugged him away, slamming the door shut.

“What? What do you want to say?”

“I know what I want, now. I know that I want to stop running from who I am. I want to stop pretending.”

“I have heard this before.” Trenton scoffed and turned around again, not wanting to look at his past.

“I know you have, but I mean it this time. I really do. I just…” He thought for a moment. “I can’t keep pretending. I thought it was the right thing to do with my family and my religion and all that. I can’t do it anymore though. I can’t put on a brave face for the world.”

“What happens when I believe you, and then you go crazy on me, again? Then you will go off to some ridiculous camp to make yourself straight, again. You don’t know what you want.”

“That camp was a mistake. I told you that. I never doubted that those people were insane, once I got there. I mean when I say that I want you.” James repeated. Trenton turned around and looked him over. He seemed to be genuine but he thought the same thing last time.

“James. Why can’t you leave me alone?”

“I want you. If it wasn’t for you I would have been turned around a long time ago.”

“The thought process is still there! You still think that with prayer, you can just become straight. How was that working out for you, James? Did you want to go fuck any girls?” Trent’s eyes had begun to mist. “You can’t pray the gay away, damn it. You just have to accept who you are. No one can help who they are attracted to.”

“I am accepting it now.” James argued.

“You still believe how you have always believed. I won’t trust you as long as you believe that. You will get bored or have some… revelation, and want to change yourself. I am not going to fall for it this time. It hurt, Jimmy.” Trenton stopped talking. A single tear spilled over, and down his face. “Fuck.” Trenton said and wiped the tear aggressively. “I am so sick of crying over you.” This last comment was hardly above a whisper.

James walked toward him quickly, and grabbed the back of his neck. Trenton looked up at him. He put his hand to James’s chest to push him off. He pushed for a moment but James stood steady.

“Jimmy.” Trenton whispered, looking to the floor.

“Trent.” He said, more forcefully, causing Trent’s heart to jump. James leaned in closer and Trenton froze, unsure of what he wanted. James leaned forward more and Trenton turned his head, forcing James’s lips to land at the base of his jawline. Trenton shrugged him off again and walked across the room.

“I know you miss me.” James said, with a slight smile.

“You aren’t even taking this seriously. This is just a game to see if you can get me to fall for you again. You don’t care what you do people. You change your mind every fucking second!” Trenton’s anger was rising with every word that came from his mouth. “This isn’t fun for me! You continue to rip me back and forth.”

“Trenton. Calm down. I have told you I am serious.”

“How in the hell can I trust you?” Trenton snapped, his face turning red. “Have you even told anyone of this decision? Your family? Your church? That girl you are with?”

James hesitated.

“Get out. I don’t want to listen to this.” Trenton wished he meant those words.

“Trent, I haven’t told my family because they are so serious about this. When I came out to them they were so disappointed. I have to do it tactfully.”

“Okay, so what if they, once again, convince you that being gay is a choice? My family is religious too. Don’t forget that. Most of them didn’t even want to meet you. You don’t have to tell me about hard times with the family.”

“So you should understand why I haven’t come out to them, again. My family is worse than yours, and you know it. I won’t be welcome back to some of my relative’s houses. At least you are welcome with open arms. They still love you, Trenton. When I tell them this, they will want nothing to do with me.”

“Just because they love me, doesn’t mean I feel accepted. They don’t want anything to do with the way I live my life. My family members think it is downright disgusting. They don’t even talk about it.”

“They still welcome you into their homes.” James snapped back.

“What about Bethany?” He knew that James was right about family circumstances.

James hesitated again.

“Trenton.” He started. He began to walk toward him, once again. “I have been upset lately. I have been inconsolable. I am not happy with my life. I don’t want to repress these feelings I have for you. I shouldn’t have to hide behind the name of Christianity and pretend to live a life that I wasn’t meant to live. It was what I was doing for so long though… You have to understand how hard it will be to go back to accepting the gay life.”

“You shouldn’t have done it in the first place. You can’t control who you are attracted to. I don’t know how many times I have said that to you.”

“I know, it is hard to accept. I want to be a man of God so badly. I just can’t hide anymore, though. No one knows what I am going through.” James was only a few steps away.

“Shut up. Don’t even say that. I pretended to live a ‘normal’ life until I was twenty years old. I know what it is like to be a prisoner in your own body. I know what is like to know that your family will never agree with how you want to live your life. I know how it all feels. You can still be a Christian, James. You don’t have to lie to everyone and pretend to be something that you aren’t. God knew that you were gay long before anyone else did.”

“Trent. Please. I don’t want to fight with you.” James reached out and grabbed Trenton’s hand. “I want to be with you. I have decided that I don’t want this fake life anymore. I just don’t what to face it alone. I miss you. I miss you like hell, Trenton.”

Trenton gripped James’s hand, wanting to believe him.

“James, I miss you every day. You are the first and only guy I have been with. I just don’t know how to trust you.”

“Give me a chance Trent.” James stuttered. “I… ” He paused. “I love you.”

Trenton looked up at him quickly, not expecting this.

“I love you, Trenton. I want to be with you. You were right. I can’t control who I am attracted to. I really want you to know that I am serious this time around. I swear on my life.”

“You need to break it off with Bethany, then.”

“I know. I am going to do it tomorrow. I need to tell my family too, but I want you by my side.”

Trenton had never seen him so serious before.

“James…” Trenton looked up at the ceiling, trying to organize his thoughts. “I love you too. I want to be with you. I want you more than anything.”

James smiled.

“Please don’t change your mind, again.” Trenton’s eyes spilled a couple of tears. “Please.” He mumbled and pulled James in, to embrace him.

“I am so sorry for what I am doing to you… I need you, though.” James whispered in Trenton’s ear.

“I love you.” Trenton said again. Not knowing what his future was going to hold, but all he knew was that he was happy in the arms of James. He would figure the rest out later.

I wrote this story to demonstrate the struggles that religious people have with homosexuality. I have struggled with this a lot recently and I can’t get it out of my mind, so I wrote a story about it.  Admitting it to yourself is the hardest part and when everyone around you tells you that it is wrong and you are going to hell for it, it is difficult to stand against them. I am not so sure that you are “born gay” anymore… However, whatever happens in your life, made you into who you are (with some biological help), which means that it is still not a choice, and it is also not wrong to be happy. Living a life of celibacy is both a miserable and ignorant way to live. There is no reason that people who are gay should have to hide. It isn’t something anyone can control. You just need to be happy with yourself, and your life. Anyone who tells you differently isn’t looking out for your well-being. God knows your inner thoughts and feelings. He would not send someone to hell for something that they cannot control. That doesn’t sound like the loving and accepting God I have heard of all of my life.

Thoroughly Unhappy

Lately I can’t shake the feeling of unhappiness. I hate college. I hate everything about the academic life.

I don’t want to buy books.

I don’t want to go to class.

I don’t want to do homework.

I don’t want to be in school.

To be perfectly honest, I f***ing hate it.

There is nothing a dislike more. I don’t think people quite understand how much I don’t want to be here. I feel like I am going insane. The dorms don’t help though. I feel like I can’t escape. This university is suffocating me. I leave to go to class and then go back to the dorm, I go eat and then go back to the dorm, where I get to share a 12 by 15.5 foot room with my roommate. (Don’t get me wrong my roommate is great but that doesn’t mean I enjoy sharing a cardboard box as a living space!)

We pay around 600 dollars each for this room. Que chingadas! Are you serious? We can get an apartment for 600 dollars TOTAL (cutting our costs in half) with more room than this crap-hole. Not to mention the outside literally looks like a prison. Cement walls and every room looks the same. It’s only missing the bars.

I love my friends here. I love my weekends here. I love my personal life in Corvallis but I hate the school. Maybe it is normal? But I can’t stand it. I never liked high school either. I am unhappy in a classroom setting. Period.

The other day I walked into my room and started balling. Why? No idea. I was just crying. I feel like I have fought so hard to get to where I am today and I should be happy. I have gone through the loop holes to get financial aid, I have amazing-awesome-spectacular friends, and I can be who I truly am here, but I feel like I have climbed this mountain, got to the top, and realized I just want to be on the ground. So I sit and cry because I honestly don’t know what to do. For my family and friends reading this, I am not dropping out of school, no worries. I just hate it and you all know how much I love to bitch about things I can’t control.

I never wanted to go to college, I just knew that it was necessary. As my friend said yesterday (during my little episode), high school degrees don’t do sh** in this day and age. She is right. They don’t. People can work and work and work to get to a high level, but someone who comes along with this stupid piece of paper called a college degree, will beat you out of that job any day. So I know that quitting would be foolish and I will stick it out, like a good little drone, but that doesn’t mean I can’t complain about it, and I plan am doing plenty of it.

So there it is. Maybe a bit dramatic. Maybe a bit pessimistic. I don’t really care though. I need to complain somewhere, and my blog is my little escape and my ranting spot.

Two People That I Think Are Great

You might be wondering to yourself, “Does this kid have a life?” Yes. I do, however, I lucked out with my finals week. I only had two and they both required minimal studying and now they are over. So I have nothing to do and when I get bored I write. So that is why I'm being a “blog whore” (a term of endearment from the best roommate ever, I am sure).

Anyhow, there are two internet people I am currently following/subscribing to. They are both hilarious in different ways.

 I will start with Jenna Marbles (seeing as how she is my favorite of the two), or rather, Jenna Mourey? 

I guess that is her real name but I have to admit, I prefer Marbles.

She is so funny and she doesn’t even really try that hard. It seems like she just speaks her mind and it is funny. She is not for everyone though. Sometimes she can be vulgar but I find it to be even funnier than clean comedy (overrated). I follow her blog and I am subscribed to her on my YouTube account. If you haven’t watched any of her videos I would suggest the following:

How to Trick People into Thinking You are Good Looking

How to Avoid Talking to People You Don’t Want to Talk to

People That Piss Me Off At the Gym

The Biggest Blogger

I love the fact that she says EXACTLY how she feels and doesn’t really care about what people have to say. She has the attitude of “if you don’t like it, don’t read it”. Which is a great way to look at most blogs. Her blog is definitely harsher than her YouTube videos. I almost died from laughter after watching her rant about Jenna Rose’s song “My Jeans”. It is very close to the new sensation, “Friday” by Rebecca Black. I despise both of these little girls but the videos are great to make fun of so I support all the publicity they are getting.

Anyways… Jenna Marbles is hilarious. Go watch her videos. If you don’t like profanity I don’t suggest watching, but she is great.

Steve Kardynal

I wish I had half of the guts that this guy has. He literally has no fear of embarrassment. He is beyond comfortable in his own skin and doesn’t care what people think of him. Some of my favorite videos of his are:

Lady Gaga - Born This Way (NYC)

KATY PERRY- FIREWORK (APPLE STORE)

SONGS IN REAL LIFE 2!!

STEVE KARDYNAL DOES SHAKE WEIGHT!!

Steve Kardynal - Katy Perry – Peacock

Again, my humor is not for everyone. This guy has a lot of thrusting and sexual innuendos but he is also very funny. I think he is very entertaining though.

I would like to think that I am like these people… I’m not though. I can say whatever I have to say in words but in person I would never have the attitude of: “if you don’t like me, then whatever”. I care deeply about my self-image and I would never do anything Steve Kardynal does in his videos but I admire him for doing them. It causes a lot of entertainment for me and everyone else who likes watching the ridiculousness.

So I just thought I would give a shot out to these two people for creating so much laughter and entertainment between my friends and me. We need SOMETHING to do in our dorm room…

Taking a Stab at Politics

      VS

Let me start out by saying that I don’t generally care about politics and I don’t think that it is worth debating over because people aren’t going to change their minds on either side. This was just a little test for me, to see where I stand since I have never given it much thought. 

My friends and I did a little test to see where I stood in regards to a political party. I have never really given it much consideration and when it came time to register to vote, I just registered as independent. In this test, we googled the big issues in our country today to see where I stood on them.

Republican Stance On: Abortion, Immigration, Universal Healthcare, and Flag Burning

Democratic Stance On: Censorship, Stem-Cell Research (Sorta...), Legalization of Marijuana, Freedom of Speech, Taxes, and Gay Rights

Half and Half Stance On: Gun Control, Death Penalty, Government Help, and Global Warming

So, after this test, I decided that the way I registered is fairly accurate. I have more democratic views but they are for the less important issues (in my opinion). Abortions, Immigration, Universal Healthcare, Freedom of Speech, Gay Rights, and Stem-Cell Research are the more important topics to me and I am half and half. I am not going to into specifics of how I feel about these issues because this blog would go on forever, but you know my general stance. (If you want to talk more, feel free to comment/message me.)

I hate when people get upset and take stabs at people who don’t think like them. It also annoys me when people say that they want everyone to live in peace and have there be no fighting, blah blah blah. No shit. Who wouldn’t want a world where there was no fighting? That isn’t going to happen. You know what else is not going to happen? Changing a person’s views when you yell at them for thinking a certain way. Your political views are based on your morals, how you were brought up, and your personal experiences on the issues. Now, saying that people can have their views change depending on how they shift their lives. If someone decides to be religious, their views on abortion might change because they now believe in the “soul factor”. Someone who has never been hunting before may think gun control would be fantastic and then they go hunting and figure out that they like it, suddenly they don’t want it anymore. However, yelling at someone will just fuel their stubbornness on the subject because they want to prove you wrong.

I have my own views on how things should and shouldn’t work and not everyone will/should agree with me. There is no right and wrong answers to these questions. You can only think the best you know how to and make you choice based on that. People need to understand that people have their own views and yes, everyone wants everyone else to agree with them. I want that. If no one told me I was wrong ever again I would be just fine. (My friends know how much I hate being proven wrong.)

So just let people think how they will think! Tell them your opinions AND listen to theirs, then move on with your life. You can call them a dumbass in your head if you want, just don’t yell at them to their face and cause more of a fuss than nedded.

Missing Person (This is a Long One)

Yesterday I was going through a bunch of old songs that I used to love when I was a child, and this song came up (please ignore the video content, this is the only one I found). My mom had a Michael W. Smith CD that I used to love. I would always insist that we listen to it in the car though I had no idea what the song was saying. I had no idea it was about a person who is struggling with his faith, and little did I know that would be me in the year 2006-10.

Sometimes I still have moments of doubts about religion in general. There seem to be random holes that can’t be explained. I can’t think of any now, but when I was younger I used to ask my family about this or that and they would just tell me I have to ask God when I get to heaven and this is the same answer  I have gotten since I have been older.

Don’t get me wrong, I believe that Jesus Christ is my Lord and Savior. I 100% believe that he exists, I never doubted that, but when I was in high school I thought that there was NO WAY he was there for me. I felt like he was picking and choosing who to help, and Justin didn’t make the cut.

1) My past. I had to deal with a douche bag for a stepfather.  He was verbally abusive towards me and my brothers and he didn’t do shit as far as a “father figure” goes. He was in my life for the purpose of making it miserable. He brought the police to our house once for pulling a gun on some lady that was freakin out in our living room and did all kinds of drugs in the garage while I made dinner for my brothers at the age of 11 or so. He ruined my mom’s business that she started by herself and couldn’t have treated her worse. He ruined parts of my child hood and treated my mom terribly. I recall him calling her a cunt once. At the time I had no idea what that was, but now I do and I DO NOT appreciate it.

As a kid, I remember crying before I went to sleep, praying and praying for God to get me away from my house and away from him. Why would God put me in this situation? What did I do wrong? Why would he let my mother be hurt over and over again? Why would he create a person like this? Why why why? I didn’t understand until I was older, that along with the good, God made the bad. He gave people free will. He gave people the ability to be douche bags and hurt people. It was up to the individual person how their life was going to turn out.

In the 7^th grade my mother made the 100% right choice to get us out of the house and finally left that loser. My family says that she should have gotten us out sooner and that she never should have married him, blah blah blah. The last person I blame on this subject is my mom. She chose to marry him because HE was devious. He promised her he would get clean and change his ways. He lied to her so I don’t see the point in blaming my mother. She was nothing but a great wife to him. She did everything in her power to be a good wife to him (as the Bible says a woman should do). She never put him over her children, though. When it came to us, she made sure we were safe whenever possible and when our safety was threatened she got us out of the situation. I love my mother and I will defend her actions until the day I die. She did the best job she knew how to do in that situation. I love my mom more than anyone in this entire planet for so many reasons (but we won’t go into that; that could be a blog entirely in itself).

2) Being gay (change the record, I know). It is true though. I would pray to change it, every night. Sometimes I was okay with pretending to be someone else but it was exhausting. I felt like no one knew who I really was and keeping a secret like that is hard. My mom always asked me if I had a secret when I would get depressed and I said no. It was more than a secret. I honestly believed that I would never be able to tell anyone. I felt it to be impossible. When I told people that they knew “everything about me” it meant “you know everything about me, minus one thing that no one will ever know”. I couldn’t keep it forever though. Especially when I realized that it isn’t a bad thing. When I became more knowledgeable about it. The fact that it can’t be controlled, and the fact that I am not going to hell for it. I know that some will say that “free will of humanity” has played a part in my choice and it has. I have decided to tell people. I have chosen my happiness above living a life alone or pretending. The only choice I made was to tell people. I believe God gave me a voice for a reason.  I also don’t think that being gay is such a bad thing anymore. I don’t cry prayers to change myself anymore. God made me the way I am.

The point is, for so long I was a missing person. This song demonstrates how I felt when I was in high school. “And try to figure it out, this undeniable doubt.” I didn’t want to doubt the very person I have been taught to worship my whole life. I didn’t want to go against him, so I didn’t. I just abandoned him. I “hid” from him, though I know he never stopped watching me.

“He used to want to try and walk the straight and narrow, he had a fire and he could feel the marrow. It’s been a long time and I haven’t seen him lately, though. I’ve been searching for that missing person.” I love the chorus. I have found myself again and I know what I want. I don’t go to church, no. However, I have found out that I want God to be part of my life again. Some don’t call me a Christian but it doesn’t matter what they think. This is between God and I and no one can tell me that God isn’t with me and that he didn’t make me how I am today. I am a strong person and he made me strong for a reason.

Sometimes I am still looking for that missing person that I used to be. I look for the faith I used to carry so strongly, but it is coming back now. I don’t feel so alone anymore. Sometimes, I mess up, no. A lot of the times I mess up. I know God is in my heart though, and sometimes I still search for how I used to be, but I know what I want in life and I know that I will get it.

I'm a Total Geek

Jeez, I have been on a blogging rampage this week. I really feel like it needs some lighter material on it, though. Sooo, this is about my geeky side.

I am a total geek. I can hardly contain myself when it comes to comics, comic book movies, super powers, and action figures (back in the day, at least). I spent the majority of my childhood pretending I was an X Men character. I was usually Iceman, Cyclops, or Gambit if we had to play “by the rules” but if I could swing it, I would always have the powers that Jean Grey or Storm had, but shift my character into a male. I never wanted to be the girl.

Growing up I watched so many TV shows having to do with super heroes. I watched: X Men, Fantastic Four, Batman, Super Man, The Justice League, Teen Titans, anything with super powers. It was/is my obsession. (Let me just give a quick shout out for how EXCITED I am about the Green Lantern and X Men: First Class movies to come out! Also heard that I am Number Four was disappointing but I am so excited to see it.)

Although I always noticed that the girls’ powers were so much cooler in Marvel (which is my favorite company). What is up with that? Wolverine is so overrated I can’t even handle it, and all of the other macho men in the comics who just tore people apart, were dumb too.

Coolest Guys in Marvel:

- Magneto

- Iceman

- Havok

- Gambit

- The Human Torch

- Thor

And yeah, that is about it.

Coolest Girls in Marvel:

- Jean Grey

- Storm

- Rouge (Kinda like a man, but she could suck lives out of people. Badass)

- Emma Frost

- Psylocke

- Phoenix

- Scarlet Witch

- Mystique

- Songbird

- Blink

- Magma

- Invisible Woman was alright… Cooler than stretching your body out)

These are just the big names too! You can go into the comics and see all of the random characters that come in quickly and leave before they are too popular.

Anyhow, if you didn’t believe me before I started ranting about something that is completely unimportant in life, then you should know now. I am a huge geek when it comes to superheroes and I don’t think it will ever go away. It is better living in the fantasy world than the real world, anyway, right?

My Family... I Love Them

Alright. So, my post down below titled, Being Gay Is Not a Choice, gives a distorted, or rather, uninformative view on the way I look at my family. I love my family very much and if you are gay, or know someone who is gay, you will know how much tension “coming out” can bring on a family.

In my blog about choosing to be gay, I said, and I quote: “I also know that my family thinks I am going to hell for this.” This statement is true. My family and I all know that these words have been said and/or implied. However, that doesn’t mean that they don’t love me and that I don’t love them with every fiber of my being.

Yes, we are usually in arguments, debates, or fights recently but that is to be expected when I am going with a lifestyle that they never, and will never approve of. I know that I can be irrational sometimes when it comes to arguing with them and I get mad and snap but I just get caught up in the emotional aspect of it all.

There is no one in this world that I love more than my family. Even though we are going through a rough patch, I know they will be there for me if I need them. I am still the same person I have always been and they know this. Sometimes, in life, there are subjects that family will not agree on. This is one of them. I don’t want you, the reader, to think I hate my family because nothing is further from the truth. I may say I hate them, or that they are annoying me out of frustration but it is impossible to literally hate them. They are my family and they will be there when friends come and go. This is just a (large) speed bump in our relationships and I know that they want the best for me and that is why they are so disappointed in the choice I have made to come out, and to come out so publically and with such force.

I will say once again, I love my family with all my heart. Though harsh words have been spoken lately, I want to make it clear how I really feel about them.

High School Friends

This is, quite possibly, the BEST picture on my computer. Not only is it nicely proportioned and everyone is the perfect distance so you can see everything, the memories that go with it are great. I believe this is... Junior year? I think so. This was Spanish 1 with Ms. Guerrero. This is one of the most fun high school classes I ever took and it was probably because all of my friends were in it. We have Dalton, Josh, Blake, Me, Arielle, and Bryce (Will was in this class too, I have no idea where he is for this picture).

This class was so great because I wasn't really friends with everyone yet. I was pretty much only friends with Dalton. I mean, we all knew each other, but this is the reason I met Waffles and Joshua and now they are both really good friends of mine. I get to see these friends very little now. Everyone went off and did their own thing and went to college. I usually only see them when I go home for break now. With the few exceptions throughout the year.

I don’t miss high school. I didn’t like my school a whole lot. I didn’t like the rules. I didn’t like the detention. I don’t like authority in general. College gives you A LOT more freedom and the professors are cursing in their lectures here.

I do, however, miss my high school friends. Even the ones I didn’t talk to a lot of the time. They were just always there. Every day I went to school and saw these people, since 7^th grade year. (Even though the majority of my friends were made my freshman and sophomore year.) They were just always there. I was not part of any one group… I went back and forth a lot. Sometimes I would hang out with my football friends, then I would hang out with my girl friends, and sometimes I would hang out with random people that happen to be in the same situation as I. But I miss them all.

I enjoy my life just as much as I did in high school, don’t get me wrong. I love all of my new college friends and I couldn’t be more excited for what we get to go through together until our graduation in 2014/2015/2016. Sometimes it is nice to reminisce though, and this picture always brings the memories flooding back.

Being Gay Is Not a Choice

There is one thing that people can do in this world to piss me off instantly. I absolutely hate it when people say that being gay is a choice. It doesn’t even make sense. Do you understand how ignorant you sound when you say something like that?

I have yet to hear one person who can give a good reason to think that being gay is a choice.

“It says that being gay condemns you to hell in the Bible.”

Have you read the Bible? There are so many other things that condemn you that people don’t pay attention to. In the Bible children who curse at their parent’s will be put to death. Sorry, but if my son/daughter curse at me I will probably ground them. I won’t be putting them to death.

The Bible also says that you cannot get round haircuts. Leviticus 19:27 reads “Do not cut the hair at the sides of your head or clip off the edges of your beard.”

The Bible also says that a couple, who have sex while the woman is on her period, must be cut off from their people. Leviticus 20:18 reads, “If a man lies with a woman during her monthly period and has sexual relations with her, he has exposed the source of her flow, and she has also uncovered it. Both of them must be cut off from their people.”

There are more scriptures in the Bible that condemn people to hell, put them to death, and shun them from other people for things that people do every day. So to this I ask: why is that we see this list of rules of things we cannot do, then ignore all of the ones that sound ridiculous, and keep the ones that people believe to be bad? Who gave you the right to pick and choose the rules that others should follow, out of the Bible? Who gave you the right to play God?

Now, in all fairness, my citations were taking out of the New International Version of the Bible so the language is more contemporary. With the original text, it is more complex and there is room for debate but my point still stands. People have taken the Bible and shifted it into something that they want. They aren’t following it word by word. They take the things from it that they want to take and shun others to hell for the things that don’t pertain to them. It’s wrong.

I am a Christian and I will be a Christian until the day I die. Granted, I have had some hard times with the big guy but I have never stopped believing him and I have never truly blamed him for anything. Being a Christian is not about following the Bible. It is about your personal relationship with God. God knows I am gay. He has always known, and he knew I would be before I was born. I may not lead the perfect Christian life, but I am a Christian. I don’t go to church consistently, I curse, I drink, I have smoked pot, and I am living a lifestyle of sin according to the Bible, but so many other people who are the “Perfect Christians” lead a life of sin as well. They are judgmental and they play the role of God by saying who is and is not a Christian by their standards. Just because some family somewhere has never tasted alcohol, or never sworn, or have remained sexually pure until marriage, doesn’t mean that you are perfect or any better than I. God created everyone equal and he loves everyone for who they are.

Being gay is not a choice. God knows this. I know and believe with all of my heart that I am a Christian. I know some who read this will not agree. I also know that my family believes I am going to hell for this. Some of them. People will think what they will think, I can’t change that. God knew I was gay the whole time I was pretending to be straight. I can’t imagine that God would prefer my unhappiness to stay alone my entire life, or pretend to be straight. God has made me this way and I believe that he also gave me a voice and strong heart. I want to let the gay community know that God does not hate you and it is no more sinful than ANYTHING else in the Bible and anyone who tells you that is just ignorant. I am sorry that this will severely upset some people, but it is how I feel.

My Incessant Need

I have a problem. I know this. I have this horrid obsession with finding someone in my life. I want to find someone to be with… And it is really dumb. I literally don’t feel like a complete person if I don’t have a significant other.

Before I came out of the closet, it made more sense. I always wanted a girlfriend so people wouldn’t know I was gay. I didn’t want people thinking I was, or even joking about it. I figured if I had a girlfriend all the time then I would be looked at as an equal. Being gay used to make me feel like less of a man. I felt like I wasn’t as good as any of my friends. I always admired them for their standing in the world. I thought, “Hey, if I have a girlfriend, I will be like them.”

Wrong.

It didn’t do anything for anyone. If I had never come out and I married a woman, what would be the point? It would be false. It would surely come up someday. I think my wife would wonder why I wasn’t up for having sex as often as most men. It would come up eventually. It is a very hard secret to keep. You have to have locks on your computers and phones and such, because let’s face it. Men look at porn. It happens to the majority of us. It was a constant worry that someone would find something.

So being with a girl (back in my high school days) made sense. Now I don’t know. It feels like I was put on this world to be with someone. So I am constantly looking and now it is more difficult. I am always looking at some random guy, wondering to myself if he is gay.

Funny story actually:

I have this Writing 121 class that I am taking, right? During the class I notice a few attractive guys and then I notice one that I thought to be looking back at me. A few weeks go by and I swear to god, I thought he was looking at me back. So me, being the outgoing person I am, decided I want to ask him if he is a homosexual man. Well, turns out, that is hard to do, so I bitched out and did it via Facebook. Thank god, because he wasn’t and even worse, his girlfriend sits right next to him in that class.

I was/still am mortified. I still have a week left in that class. I hate it but at the same time I am semi proud that I did it. Most gay men wouldn’t have. Anyway.

My point is: that I have this need to be with someone. I completely made up in my head that this straight guy was looking at me, purely because I want it so bad. I am always wondering when the next person will come along. I try to just let it happen but it is hard.

I started focusing on homework, working out, and my friends but it still comes up. Sometimes I just cry because I don’t have anyone. I am not sure why. I know that I need to be patient and wait to meet someone. It is the advice I give to all of my friends who complain about the same thing. Being gay makes it more difficult to find someone without going online, though. I will just have to wait and see how it turns out. I am trying not to force it. I am trying not to look. It is just nearly impossible. I just always wonder, especially with the more attractive guys. It is depressing to look at someone who you find very handsome, just think “he is probably straight and I will never have someone like that.” Maybe I am just being pessimistic.

I just wish I didn’t want someone so badly. Why does anyone need someone? It seems to be a common goal amongst so many of us. I just don’t understand why I, specifically, can’t be patient.

College is an Experience Already

Throughout high school, and a very small portion of college, I had a lot of girlfriends. I had… Seven? Eight? Somewhere around there. They all meant a lot to me but not as much as they should have.

During the first Winter Break of my college career, I had decided to come out. My mother had been talking to me about gay people and how they are closely related to retarded people. I saw the logic she was going through in her head but it still upset me. Why was being gay a deformity? Why should being gay, be a handicap? It shouldn’t and it isn’t. That day I told one of my friends, the following week I told my roommate, and then the next person to tell was my girlfriend.

I had never felt more horrible about something in my entire life. Tears spilled from both of our eyes during that hour or so that we talked. I had just planned on pretending I was straight forever. Why would I tell anyone? I didn’t want to be judged based on something I had no control of. Granted, my timing was shitty, seeing as how I was in a relationship with a woman, but it had to happen eventually. I was so close with all of my new friends in my dorm. There is no sense of privacy, so I don’t think hiding it forever would be easy. And why should I?

Being gay isn’t a bad thing. Being gay doesn’t mean that you should be treated any differently. No one can help the sexual orientation that they come out with and for people to say that it is a “choice” are wrong. The people who say that it is a choice, are people who aren’t gay. We can’t help it. We are attracted to the same sex and it can’t be changed. If it could, I would have done it by now.

So…

Here I am, at the end of winter term, in my freshman year of college. I have already bombed a midterm, skipped one class 13 times, came out to my friends and family, AND asked a straight guy if he was gay just to find out that, not only is he straight, but his girlfriend sits next to him in that class when I thought they were just friends.

Can’t wait to see what else college can throw my way.