Perfect Illusion

Every day it seems like there’s another wedding, another engagement, another FBO couple and for a romantic like myself it’s hard to just be a spectator. Where is this for me?  Where’s my happy ending?

Instead I’ve been met with “you know I can’t come out right now,” “what’s the point if we’re graduating soon?” “why would I want to live there?”

I understand these are the logical questions but f**k logic. Where is that head over heels, do it or die trying, I can’t live without you love? I know it exists because I see it every day! Whenever it comes to me, though, I’m met with a billion and 5 reasons why it won’t work.

And the most ironic part of it all? I think about it logically. If someone can’t see the value in your decisions, then they aren’t meant for you. I know that I haven’t met him yet because if I had, I would be happy with him. He would listen to me and understand how important my career and family are to me. People my age don’t seem to care about these things as much as I do.

I’ve known what I’ve wanted since I was a little boy. I’ve always wanted a family. Growing up, there was a time when I thought there would be a woman beside me but I have always wanted a family with the person I love. I didn’t get the two parents who love each other unconditionally. I love my parents (all of them) but growing up without that made me want to give that to my kids more than anything in this world.

I hope I have that someday. I won’t say that I “know” I’ll have that someday because that’s not a fact. It’s a dream. I want my dreams to come true, but they don’t always. I won’t be the person that settles. I’ll remain unmarried and raise kids alone before I settle for someone with anything less than a fiery, passionate love that turns into a 10 years later “you’re really pissing me off today but damn you look good in those jeans” kind of future.

So we’ll see. I’m not optimistic or pessimistic. I’m just realistic. Also, yes. Lady Gaga was the inspiration for the title because that’s the only thing I’ve felt in my life thus far.

Okay, so maybe a little pessimistic.

Broken Down Busses & Rerouting

The more time that goes by in my life, the more I understand how things come to be. Life doesn’t give a shit about your plans. Period.

I remember growing up I always thought I’d be married by 24. At the time I thought it would be with a girl but when I finally came out I was still hoping for something serious by then. Here I am at 25 and not even close to my goal and having to do some serious rethinking on my goals and how achievable they are.

I remember in college I really wanted to date a frat guy. I knew he would be kind of a douche but I always hoped that I would be the one he’d be sweet to and I’d get to go to all the functions with him and be the envy of any other gay dude who wanted that. I have no idea why but I really wanted this and I remember the day I realized it would never happen. It was about halfway through my final year at the university. I literally didn’t have enough time to make my dream come true. Even if it did, we’d go down our separate roads after graduation because I already knew I was moving to Medford and it wasn’t up for discussion, especially in a relationship that would only have a few months by then.

Now, for those of you who don’t know me very well… Not getting my way and realizing that it was literally impossible took me a while to digest. I was like “wait… what?” I’ve always believed that if I really want something and it is a true desire that somehow I would end up with it. My life philosophy was rocked that year when I realized that I would never have the opportunity again to have my dream come true because college was almost over and it never happened.

Now I wonder how many other things won’t come true. Will I ever find someone I truly love? Will I settle? Will I just say “f*** it” and adopt kids by myself?

I’ve been in love once and loved twice. The first time I was head over heels, would’ve done anything for him. The second time I was foolish but still cautious and didn’t let my emotions get the absolute best of me in the end.

Both times circumstance took my happiness away. It wasn’t our choice to make, our life paths just didn’t travel together. They collided and then separated.

I learned a lot from these experiences but it has me jaded. I was just telling my friend the other day that I don’t even want to try dating anymore. I literally just don’t care. I think “well, I could go on a date with this guy, he’s pretty cute. Really though… It probably won’t work out."  So then I decide to have fun and hang out with my friends instead because I love my friends and they make me happy, while dating just seems to disappoint over and over.

I know everyone goes through this… and I don’t need any “someday blah blah blah.” You could be right or you could be wrong. I may never find the man of my dreams, it’s possible. However, I could look back at this one day and roll my eyes sitting next to my husband and children. My life plan is already set. Whatever happens is exactly what should.

I’m just too much of a dreamer for my own good and quite impatient.

It has been bothering me though. I’m predisposed to optimism but lately it’s been more on the pessimistic side and it feels like that’s the more realistic side simultaneously. It protects me from getting my hopes up like I’ve done my entire life.

Who knows what the future holds but right now I’m in the most opposite state of mind I’ve ever been in and I’m preparing for the fact that my dreams may not come true and I might just be one of those dudes that never find someone I truly connect with. Maybe my bus came and went.

Anywho, rant over. I have so much to be thankful for. My friends, family and professional development are at an all time high and I love my home in Southern Oregon. So it just goes to show that what I want and what I’m meant for are two different things and the big man has His plan for me despite the fact it’s not always ideal with my seemingly irrelevant timeline. So I will end this with my feelings on dating at the moment:

Apology Flowers

I learned something a couple days ago- you don’t need to be married to give someone apology flowers. Some might say “duh” but let me explain: 

My roommate and I set off on our adventure down to Southern Oregon July 2015, shortly after I graduated from Oregon State, she had graduated in 2014. It’s been a little over a year now and the whole experience has come full circle. We’ve always been close but this adventure has brought us closer than ever before because we’re learning how to adult together. Yes, adulting is a verb in my book.

Things had been a little off with us for a couple weeks on my end. I was thinking “we definitely need to talk about this but we will and then we’ll move on and go do whatever it is we do” which is typically grabbing a drink or two with our friends and avoiding adult responsibilities after a long day of said responsibilities.  

I get her flowers as a precursor to the conversation because I had made the situation worse by throwing an absolute fit over something I found out never even happened- negative adult point. I didn't get them because I felt like I had to, I got them because it was a kind gesture and I had realized that I was an asshole earlier. Also, who doesn’t love flowers? 

As the conversation unfolds she tells me that we’ve had something funky between us since May, keep in mind it’s September, almost October, at this point and I’m absolutely floored. I had no idea. Also, super glad I got the flowers at this point because it’s almost like I did know.  

We talk more and I find out that while I was really unhappy here in Medford she was unsure of how to handle me. For anyone who knows me, this is a full time job in itself. I turn into an absolute bear when I’m cranky about my life. So all this time has gone by and I had no idea that she felt this way and it drove me nuts to feel that way for a couple of weeks.  

No we aren’t married but we are learning invaluable skills in doing life with someone. How do we make sure we’re both happy? What’s the protocol for making plans? How do we make up after a fight? As professional singles, we haven’t had to deal with these questions. We get to learn how to communicate with one another, get through the victories and the disappointments and even if we’re a little snappy, we’re getting it figured out like mature adults.  

WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING TO US?

  

We’re growing up. We’re growing together while doing our own things on our own career paths at the same time and it’s a pretty damn cool feeling. We have a lot to learn but it really is something special when you have someone to share life with. Be it a spouse, boyfriend or best friend.

One Year Deep

One year ago I moved into my apartment in Medford. This is somewhere I never planned on moving to and it was pretty scary at first, so I told myself to give it one year and then answer three questions.

Are you where you’d like to be in your career?

No, nowhere near. However, I'm doing better than others at 24 and I have outlandishly high expectations for what I will accomplish. I remember writing down this question and thinking of the grand things that would be coming my way in a year and those were unrealistic in that time frame. I forgot to think about how long it takes to prove yourself. How many phone calls I’d have to answer, Fedexs I’d have to send out and office supply orders that would pass through my hands to prove to those above me that I’m serious about starting a career in television.

It’s been tough. Honestly, the hardest year of my life but I needed to learn that the real world isn’t like school. Not everyone is going to bend over backwards to show you that you are doing a good job. You do a good job because you get paid to, not for recognition. Obviously, there are times when you help out a little more and people praise you, but for the most part you just put in your time and then get your paycheck.

Do you regret school?

The short answer is no. The long answer is that there are so many things I would change if I could. As a college student, you’re lied to. Plain and simple. They say you’ll get out and with all your experiences, you’ll start out with a decent wage and not at the bottom, but in my experience that just wasn’t true. If it it was true for you- congrats. 

I was a producer of a short film group for two years, busting out around 15 short films during my time there, about 2-3 a term depending on how long they were. Then I was the manager of the TV station on campus. I oversaw a paid/volunteer staff of 23 people, organized events surrounding involvement at the station, was a board member for 3 different groups discussing allocation of funds for organizations on campus, how to be more inclusive and make everyone feel welcome and other issues that would come up that demanded an answer on how we would tackle it with a written plan.

After everything, I was still turned down a few times before finally receiving an entry level front desk position at a TV station, and that was with a stellar recommendation from a past employee and a couple more from other college advisors.

Lots of expectation versus reality once you graduate but no, I don’t regret school. I think my degree will come in handy some day and college holds some of the best memories with amazing people. 

On a scale of 1 to 10, how happy are you?

This question seems silly now. Everyone has good days and bad. Overall I’d say I’m at like a 7. I have my frustrations that I deal with but I really do love the Rogue Valley. The community feel is great here and people support each other whether it be personal or professional. Honestly, it’s a great place to settle down with a family for the values they uphold. I have great friends, my coworkers have accepted me like family and my career will catch up to my goals eventually. I just need to put my time in.

Overall I’d say I’ve done pretty well. I have no idea what the future holds but I’m just gonna keep doing what I’m doing because it’s worked for me so far. 

Crossroads

After a particularly tough day, I decided to get my butt off the couch yesterday and go for a run to relieve some tension. I was really good about going to the gym everyday and running two miles on the treadmill for a while but it had been a couple weeks. Halfway through my run I realize I’m much more winded and those margaritas and cheeseburgers are catching up with me.

I continue on even though it feels like an elephant is sitting on my chest to finish my route. I finally get to a point where I take a walk to relax and I realize that I’m sucking my stomach in, as I’m sure most of you can understand, and it hits me. Why in the world would I care about something as stupid as that when I’m on a run? So I let it go, taking Elsa’s advice, and realize that’s my issue.

I’m keeping things pent up. I sit at the front desk every day with a smile on my face while I stress about everything I possibly could. Not losing weight, some guy not texting me back after our date, not making 80,000 a year at 24 but what has this stressing fixed? None of those things.

So last night I get back from my run, make some dinner, put on Friday Night Lights and can't help but cry because I’m just so pissed. But that’s when I realize that the only person to blame for the things I’m stressing over is me.

I’ve made the choices in my life that have gotten me to this point. No one else has made them for me, only Justin. I choose to go to happy hour with my friends instead of the gym, I chose my career over love and it’s not normal for a 24 year old to make such a fun wage but the work that I’m putting in now will get me there someday.

Life is going to keep throwing crossroads at me.

Where I should live.

What I should do.

Who I should do it with.

Once I make these choices I need to make peace with them too. I can’t continue wondering if the other road would have been better because I’m already trekking on my own path and have so many great things going for me.

There will always be bumps in the road though, no matter how wonderfully the road appears to be paved.

P.S. I realize the content of this post is scattered and unfocused. Welcome to my week so far. 

Future Fatherhood

This photo was taken this past weekend a day before I was forced into a situation I never thought I’d never find myself in. Due to a series of unfortunate events, for 24 hours I had to bottle feed five 3-week-old puppies every 3 or so hours while dealing with an anxious mom and dad who didn’t understand why.

The chaos that occupied my life was something that could have been in a movie. Every time I turned around something had happened that needed my attention. Either the momma dog had thrown up on the bed or the dad had chewed up the bushes outside or the puppies were crying for more attention; it was a surreal experience and the most responsibility I’ve dealt with alone before.

It was actually good though because it made me realize I can handle it. Sure, there were times I was running around the house screaming like a maniac because I was baffled at how these dogs could cause so much trouble- my favorite part was realizing that they could open doors so I had to keep a key in my pocket and lock every door in the house so they couldn’t go in there and tear things up.

At the end of the day, it felt nice though. If it wasn’t for me the puppies could have fallen ill and I was the one that was there to protect them and ensure their safety. I mean, I take care of Lulubelle everyday but she’s not as needy. Give her some food and water and her rope toy and she’s good by herself. In fact, she gets annoyed if I mess with her too much.

Now don’t get me wrong, I was more than stoked to return to my 9-year-old, low maintenance dog but it’s great to know what I can deal with when I have the call to action.

Honestly, it made me think a lot about being a father someday. That’s always seemed like something I have wanted, but this really solidified that. I’m so excited for the day my future husband and I decide that we are ready to take that leap. If I had my choice in the matter, I’d be the working dad and support my husband to stay at home with the kids. However, I could stay home if it made more economical sense without ruining our kids' lives and that’s a really inspiring feeling.

I’ve always viewed myself as a kid at heart and I have a really hard time with accepting the adulthood that has been thrusted on me at times, but I can do it. Especially when I have 5 little faces staring up at me, waiting for me to take care of them. It really is a warm and fuzzy feeling I’ve never quite felt before.

I’m in no rush for marriage and children at the moment, but to realize I’m fully capable of raising the family I’ve always wanted is a wonderful and indescribable feeling. It may have only been 24 hours, but it was a 24 hours that will really never forget. Especially when it’s 3am and I’m feeding my own child, laughing (probably from being delirious) at the time in my life when I thought taking care of puppies for a weekend was hard.

Trans People & Restrooms

Recently this topic has exploded on social media and come to the front of everyone’s mind, which is crazy because it’s been happening for years. Literally. Years. Transgender people have always been around us, yet now that it’s out in the open we have a lot of people who are upset, which is understandable with their understanding of the situation.

“I don’t want my daughter in the restroom with some man in a dress with perverted intentions.”

Fair.

However, that’s not what’s happening.

I’ve seen this image shared all over social media and it’s incredibly insensitive, not to mention inaccurate. The majority of transgender people don’t look like this. This person in the photo is very obviously not attempting to live the life of a woman. It’s a mockery of trans people meant to provoke fear and anger among people who don’t understand, and often aren’t willing to try.

Like it or not, you have shared the restroom with a transgender person. Many many times. You didn’t notice because they are everyday people. They aren’t people trying to sneak a peek, these are people who are grocery shopping, running errands, and after drinking a venti caramel macchiato to start their day, have to pee. Sure there may be people who try to abuse the law with perverted intentions but there will always be people who abuse laws be it straight, gay, transgender, or any other person within any group.

I understand being uncomfortable with the idea. I understand not supporting the idea. I even understand being angry with the idea but I don't understand not even trying to listen to their side. You don’t have to like it, but why not at least listen to their story.

Although I’m not trans, I understand what it’s like to have my opinions entirely dismissed while I attempt to explain being gay. There are so many people in this world who just shut down completely when it comes to these issues but why? We aren’t asking for you to be gay like us or trans like us. We’re just asking that you listen. If you don’t like it, fine. Go about your day and we don’t even need to speak again but to not even try is cold-hearted.

Having said all that, I understand the apprehension for having a law allowing men in women’s restrooms and vise versa, however, it really has been happening forever. Transgender people aren’t a new thing, we are just finally coming around to being vocal about the issues the LGBT community faces everyday.

I don’t like forcing beliefs, mostly due to it being ineffective, and I do believe these laws are forceful. It’s clear to me that America isn’t ready for these laws with the way people have reacted to Target, although America doesn’t have a great track record for widespread tolerance. The thing you should understand is that the opposite has happened to us since the beginning of our lives, even as children. We’re forced to hide. We don’t always feel comfortable talking about our issues because we’re afraid of the reaction. It does make us angry, BUT as LGBT members, we've had to accept that the world is the way it is. It may be unfair but we can’t change it and forcing our beliefs is only doing the very thing that has been done to us. I see it as our responsibility to be patient while also pushing an appropriate amount to actually cause change rather than the “eye for an eye” mentality. It’s a fine line though and it’s never black and white.

As far as the laws, I think that transgender people should be able to use the restroom they identify with but if it’s going to spark emotions that cause them to be in an unsafe circumstance, I’d rather it not be a law. But transgender people are real. They are not seeking attention and they are not trying to rape your daughters.

All they want is to be unafraid to use a restroom in public.

A Sunken Ship

I remember it so clearly, yet there was no specific point in time when it happened.

“Captain! We’ve been hit,” was ringing in my ears.

It was then that the realization that there was a hole in my ship occurred. Not an unexpected flaw, but a planned flaw. Like a plug on a timer that finally ran its course, but I hadn’t prepared properly. I should’ve seen land by now but I took the scenic route full of rum and sun bathing.

The descent was the worst part. I lived with the knowledge that it was sinking but continued with rum & sunbathing because I’d rather be blissfully ignorant than soberingly aware.

Some of the crew prepared, but some just did the same as me. The parties continued and the music was even louder yet at the end of the night, before heading to our chambers, there’d be a moment of rare silence and I’d think out loud, “I can’t believe we’re going down,” with a grumbled nod from the others.

As the ship got lower, we began to realize the severity so we made our various plans. One by one the lifeboats came and whisked us away to different locations.

I remember when mine came. In a matter of hours the ship would be completely submerged and I’m not foolish enough to stay on that long. So I got in my boat and stared at the horizon as I watched the very tip of my home disappear.

I remember the tears. I felt foolish for crying because this was the plan all along but I never realized how much I would end up loving my ship. It felt like leaving a bit of my soul behind and I didn’t even have a crew to mourn with. It was just me and I had to figure out what my next steps were.

I finally get on land and another realization hits that I need a new plan. I’m not a captain anymore, I have no crew. So I pull myself up by my bootstraps and forge on. It feels cold and it feels desolate but I have no choice because there’s nothing to go back to.

So I found my way and joined a new crew. Not a captain by any means, but this ship is much larger and requires a whole new set of skills that I’m still learning. It’s different here but it’s really growing on me.  

With each passing day I become more integrated with my new home but at night when I’m by myself, I think about the old crew and the life I used to lead. I stare out at the horizon and imagine us cruising by without a care in the world, the jolliest bunch of bastards you’ve ever seen.

Writing About Writing

Writing is a powerful tool when it comes to expressing myself. I find that whenever I’m stressed or feeling confused that if I just start writing I will usually end up figuring it out.

If I’m stressed out, it feels like my thoughts are intertwined and tangled up in my head but writing forces me to pull on the one string I can actually distinguish and loop it over and under the other strings to pull apart the mess and get it straightened out. That way I can read through what I’ve expressed and realize what I’m thinking overall.

I can’t take it back. It’s written down, it’s out there, and it’s honest. This is why I write letters to the people that I care about, even if they don’t care about me anymore. Whether it’s a friend, a family member, or a romantic interest I see writing as letting them know exactly where they stand with me. When I write, I get this tunnel vision. I can’t hear anything except for the next word or phrase that I’m going to write down, which some call flow. Whatever it is, it’s 125% Justin.

Whether I’m writing a letter to a friend to tell them how much they mean to me, to someone I’ve dated to explain things from my end as honestly as I can, to express that I have no idea why our friendship completely fell apart, or a blog post to share my thoughts with a wider audience, it gives me closure on whatever topic I’m writing about and calms my anxiety. It’s therapeutic in a way that nothing else has ever been able to give me, while also letting the people I’ve come into contact with know exactly how I feel about them so there’s no “what ifs” or “how does he really feel?”

Nah.

You know exactly how I feel. That can be a heartwarming thing, heartbreaking thing, maddening thing or just simply a thing. Regardless of the outcome, I can walk with a clear mind and move on to whatever else is coming my way. 

Life According to Miss Lu

2015 has been a rough year for me, no pun intended. Everything changed so much when my family left me in that scary place with a whole bunch of other dogs. It was so loud in there; I didn’t even know what I was supposed to do.

I’m used to living in the cold but at least I had my little house. I wasn’t sure what I was doing there but I eventually figured out my family wasn’t coming back for me. I couldn’t believe it; I had been with them my entire 53 years of life!
 

Then this boy came along and saw me. He took me out to the yard and played with me! I wasn’t so sure about him because a lot of people had come and gone, and he did just that. He came and he left, but later that day I saw him again and before I knew it they had me harnessed, leashed, and out the door. We had a weird first few days. He was camping with his family so I was surrounded by a bunch of people and 5 other dogs. I also learned not to put my nose up against a fire pit. Ouch!

Fast forward to today, and life is pretty good. I get to sleep inside, and not only that, my boy actually made me sleep on his bed with him. My old family would never let me do such a thing so I thought it was a trick at first but now it’s pretty great, and I even take up ¾ of it now. What can I say? I like to sprawl.

He does have to leave for work every day, which totally bums me out. I always know it’s about to happen because he’ll put on his work clothes. But he always comes back in the middle of the day to check on me and give me pets. Sometimes I think that dad bit off more than he could chew with me, but I’m training him slowly. He tries to make me hurry up when we go outside, but I like to smell things. How will I know if I miss out on something if I don’t stop to smell it? I do miss being outside, even though the bed situation is pretty nice.

           

He’s a good dad. He loves me a whole bunch and I love him even more. Every day after work I run down the stairs into the living room and he gets down and his hands and knees and plays with me. Even in his work clothes! He takes me on hikes, adventures to the snow (which really isn't my favorite, but at least I get to go), drives, and even to his friend’s house with other dogs. He has a lot of nice friends who give me pets too. There’s no lack of love in this new life.

Even when I make him mad (like that time I pooped on his new rug) he usually just lets out this dramatic sigh and complains to mom. Or at least I’m pretty sure she’s my mom. She got me my pretty pink collar for Christmas. Then dad will joke about taking me back to the pound because he thinks he's funny. But at the end of the day when I come up to him and he pulls me up onto his lap, I know he’s not taking me anywhere no matter how much of a pain I am. In fact, it’s become a fun game for me to play to see how much I can get away with. However, when he uses his serious voice, or calls me Lulubelle instead of Luly, I know he means business. It’s a give and take.

   

Despite all of the hardship (like my new brother Bert the cat, who is such a dick) I love my new home: tons of food, a warm bed, and parents who love me. Maybe Bert and I will get along one day. I’m still unsure about him, but life is pretty good and I'm happy that I’ve found the place where I’ll finish out my doggy days.