Having Your Life Together

There are a lot of people in this world who think I have my life together. In fact, it’s sort of soul crushing at this moment because even when I feel like I’m drowning in anxiety I’m surrounded by “oh please, you’re doing fine” or “I’m sure it’s not that bad.”

It’s not that it’s so absolutely horrid that I can’t move past it, but it’s so strange to feel like people are talking about someone else. This persona that I’ve created.

Social media gives us a very interesting view on someone’s life. For instance, I post when I’m happy. I posted a shit ton in Mexico because every day was wonderful but then returning home was hard because it was cold and miserable and reacclimating to “real life” was a bit of a bummer.

I guess what I’m getting at is that I’m having a really hard time with life’s offerings at the moment. Work is stressful with the merger of two major companies and figuring out the details there, I’m dealing with a break-up that I really didn’t want and waking up to this every day is just getting harder and harder.

I love the life that I have created for myself. I love my friends here and I love living close to my family. I love the career field that I’m in. I love the area I’m in. I would love to raise a family here but there’s this sinking feeling that this area will prevent me from having everything that I want.

Writing used to give me a sense of closure on life’s issues and now all it really does is shed light on the fact that I have to just keep trucking, even when I want to lay in bed with Lulubelle all day. I guess that’s a good thing? There’s no magical cure-all remedy for when you are feeling upset and anxious. Just one of life's many lessons.

Cheers, I guess.

Who Am I?

After my most recent break up, I was told that I really needed to find out who I was. This struck me as odd because I’m very open about who I am and the things I want out of life. This most recent relationship has made me realize a ton though.

I’m someone who is willing to communicate through problems. That doesn’t mean we figure it out in 10 minutes. I’m in for the long haul and willing to have those tough conversations that make you feel uncomfortable.

I'm neurotic. When there is something I feel is unresolved, I can't stop thinking about it. I don't mean to obsess over it, but I do. When things don't make sense, it's extraordinarily difficult to calm my mind. Or if I feel that i can say or do something to change an outcome. It's something I have to consciously control because it can cloud my judgement.

I’m patient. I am willing to work with someone with anxiety issues because I have some of my own. I’ve never claimed to be perfect and I never will. I’m constantly evolving and learning more about myself every day.

I’m forgiving. I had an non refundable $477 dollar plane ticket to New York City and I was broken up with 1 week before I was supposed to go out there. After finding out that there was basically nothing that could be done, I got to sit at my house and watch the clock go from 7:29 to 7:30, knowing my flight was gone. All while getting notifications reminding me to check in and I forgive him for that. I can honestly that because this is something that he clearly needed to do, even though it was not a pleasant experience for myself.

I'm also impatient. Seriously. You should see me driving. I have said unforgivable things about anyone who dares travel below the speed limit when i'm trying to get to work for my 8am meetings.

I’m hot-headed. After a few beers I left him a voicemail that was not very kind because of my frustration with his lack of communication during this time. I don’t always handle things gracefully, I’m a human being.

I’m understanding. We both have anxiety so I was willing to talk him through problems he had with us. I listened to him and tried my best to comfort and support him. I always wanted him to feel better, even when that meant my own problems went unresolved between us.

I’m stern. When I’ve had enough of giving without getting any support back, I will vocalize that. A relationship is about a 50/50 partnership. I will love and support my partner in life until the day I die, but only if I believe I’m getting the same in return.

I’m honest. Almost to a fault. I need to express myself and my opinions. Yes, they are long winded. I want to explain my side clearly and precisely. I’ve always been that way.

I’m malleable. My opinion is not the only right opinion. I can listen and rethink what I have just said, however I need you to listen to what I said. You can’t completely dismiss my opinion and expect me to listen to yours. It’s a give and take.

I do my best. No one wrote a manual on how to deal with emotions. I try to be fair to the other party while also taking care of myself. It gets convoluted sometimes.

When I love someone, I love them to my core. I will not say those words unless I mean them. The pain I have experienced these last few weeks has only proven to me just how deep I am capable of loving another human being. Even after everything we’ve been through, it was really just a fight. We are not so far gone that we can never speak again or talk about what happened.

It would be easy to turn to anger. Completely dismiss him as just another asshole that I’ve dated. That’s the weak way out though. Strength is keeping them in your heart. Remembering the butterflies they gave you and the late nights being disgustingly sweet to each other. Those are the important parts. Not the arguing.

Time will heal my wounds and I will love again. I’m not under any sort of illusion that this is the end of my life as I know it. However this is a great time to just work on myself. I’m killing it at work, bettering myself physically and just trying to enjoy the life I’m living. It’s a damn good life and I’m thankful. I have my family and friends surrounding me and I’m living in one of the most beautiful places in the country. It would be even better with him by my side, but that’s not my choice to make.

Missing someone isn’t weak. Being willing to communicate with them after they’ve hurt you isn’t weak. Keeping yourself open is not weak. It’s okay to hurt when you lose someone you love. It’s okay to be stressed. But you have to pick yourself up by your bootstraps, work hard and move on.

Thank you to everyone who has been there for me throughout everything. For sure, this has been hard but it’s only making me stronger. Everything is going to happen as it should.

Missed Flights

This has been the most difficult relationship I have navigated so far in my life. Right now, I feel heartache, frustration, remorse and about 100 other emotions all circulating through me at the same time. 

It’s times like these that I need to hang on to the good feelings. The excitement of getting on a plane to New York City for the first time. Pulling up to his place in that cab and seeing him stand in the doorway for the first time. Spending a great weekend with him and exploring his world. Calling him after I got back from my workout classes. There are so many things that remind me of him.

Even just writing about it, I can feel my heart strain. This is just tough. No other way to say it. 

I was supposed to be on a plane to see him again this Wednesday, but life had other plans. We tried. We communicated. But we failed.

We love each other, I know that to be true. It wasn’t enough for this leg of the race. Things got messy between us and we got frustrated with each other. That doesn’t mean I wish anything ill toward him. He transformed into one of my best friends and before last week, a good boyfriend.

There was so much hope in the beginning and we both felt it. I think that’s what makes this so difficult, but it was so beautiful that it’s impossible to say anything bad about it. It would almost be easier if I could be mad at him, but I can’t. It was an absolute explosion when we started out. I wish I could just relive that time over and over. 

Right now, it’s over. It’s a hard pill to swallow but a necessary one. It’s hard to explain the feeling that we have though. Even with it over, I know there is love there but it now lays dormant and it feels inaccessible.  

Maybe our paths will cross again in the future. Maybe they won’t. However, I wouldn’t change it for anything and it was the most amazing experience, even though it ended with some tears. 

I can’t say it enough, I will always love you. I will always feel it deep down, even when it hurts, and I don’t want to anymore. I don’t have a choice. I wish nothing but the best for you in everything you do. You are an amazing person, even though I voiced some frustrations I had with you. I already miss you so much more than I thought was possible, but I know this isn’t easy on you either. 

Love Notes

Tonight, I found something that I haven’t looked at in a very long time. They were love notes from a girlfriend I had my senior year. I came out the following year when I went to Oregon State and learned a million and one things about myself.

I have this old tin container that I keep things from my past in. I knew there were some notes in there but had forgotten what all they entailed. The first note that I read was the note she gave me after we broke up. It was honestly heart wrenching because I was the antagonist in that story line.

The further I dug, the worse I felt but also this sense of nostalgia. Remembering parts of my past that I haven’t thought about in years. Like one of the notes read “Former Braces” as the address and I realized that this girl liked me even when I looked like a fuckin’ goob. Little things like that where it brings me to that moment in time in surreal vibrance.

My feelings were real. I was battling internal homophobia for myself at the same time, way WAY down deep but had been doing that since 13 so nothing new at the time. On a deep decision making level, I had decided that I needed fixing. I needed fixing and I needed it quietly. So I didn’t tell a soul until I was 18 years old.

I dated like any other teenage guy. I went on group dates with my friends and held girlfriends for multiple months. The most important realization I made tonight was remembering how I felt and that those feelings were real. I was exploring what it meant to love someone as a teenager so I didn’t do it right.

I made mistakes.

To this girl who shared her first kiss with me, I had to express a genuine apology. I know the likelihood of you reading this is slim to none but approaching you now is utterly and entirely inappropriate. It’s a bizarre thing how something from your past can make you feel but I believe it’s important to address it and learn from it, even when it stings.

You’re happy now, from what I can tell, and I’m really glad to see that because you really are a wonderful person.

Modern Dating: It's Not All Bad

The amount of times I see an article saying how horrible dating is now days is almost comical at this point. Maybe I've just adjusted to being in this era but dating has never been better.

Sure, if you want to go out and find the first guy/girl you meet and settle down with them and start a family then yeah, dating sucks. If you want a long lasting relationship with the true person of your dreams though, it’s never been a better time. It just takes patience.

I have truly cared for a handful of guys I never would have found without the internet bringing us together and even found love once. The only reason that fell apart was because he was in the closet, but let’s not go down that road.

We want everything so fast today, because everything else is at our fingertips at all times. I’m guilty of this too! I feel like it’s taken me a long time to appreciate just how lucky we are to have these modern conveniences. Do you have to have a tough skin? You bet your ass you do. Does it suck sometimes? Sure does. But really, was hanging out by your landline, waiting for a call any better? I’m gonna go with no. Dating is dating.

 

I like that I’ve had the opportunity to date and meet so many different people. It’s made me realize the things I want and the things I don’t want. Not everything works out, welcome to real life. Glamorous, ain’t it?

Sometimes, it does really suck. I recently went to see someone who ended up being a total douche when I found out he double booked a date right after ours. That’s not 2017’s fault though, that’s on the individual who thinks that’s a chill way to do things. It also makes your search easier, cross that one off the list. You are only going to find 1 person (ideally) to spend the rest of your life with, so statistically speaking, it’s gonna be a rough road.

You are going to go through more people today. We all have options. We can go look at an app and have 10 matches or pings in an hour, so you can really see the different types of people in this world. By the time I finally commit to a husband, I will have really explored who I am and what I want. I’ll be ready to say: “Hey, forever is a long time but let’s do this thing because I’ve seen what I need to see, and now all I want to see is you.”

If you’re already ready for that, then I’m sure you are one of those people that hate on dating in 2017 and I do feel for you. Enjoy it though, because relationships can be hard. The more I see all my friends get into relationships the more I’m happy that the only person I have to worry about supporting is Lulubelle.

Just enjoy it. Go on dates. Live freely. Travel. Focus on your career. There is so much more in this world than who you are going to end up with. When your person comes along, you will know and it will be just as magical as you’ve always hoped for if you do it right.

P.S. Growing up is pretty cool. If you follow my blog, you'll see I've made a ton of progress with my thoughts on relationships.