Missed Flights

This has been the most difficult relationship I have navigated so far in my life. Right now, I feel heartache, frustration, remorse and about 100 other emotions all circulating through me at the same time. 

It’s times like these that I need to hang on to the good feelings. The excitement of getting on a plane to New York City for the first time. Pulling up to his place in that cab and seeing him stand in the doorway for the first time. Spending a great weekend with him and exploring his world. Calling him after I got back from my workout classes. There are so many things that remind me of him.

Even just writing about it, I can feel my heart strain. This is just tough. No other way to say it. 

I was supposed to be on a plane to see him again this Wednesday, but life had other plans. We tried. We communicated. But we failed.

We love each other, I know that to be true. It wasn’t enough for this leg of the race. Things got messy between us and we got frustrated with each other. That doesn’t mean I wish anything ill toward him. He transformed into one of my best friends and before last week, a good boyfriend.

There was so much hope in the beginning and we both felt it. I think that’s what makes this so difficult, but it was so beautiful that it’s impossible to say anything bad about it. It would almost be easier if I could be mad at him, but I can’t. It was an absolute explosion when we started out. I wish I could just relive that time over and over. 

Right now, it’s over. It’s a hard pill to swallow but a necessary one. It’s hard to explain the feeling that we have though. Even with it over, I know there is love there but it now lays dormant and it feels inaccessible.  

Maybe our paths will cross again in the future. Maybe they won’t. However, I wouldn’t change it for anything and it was the most amazing experience, even though it ended with some tears. 

I can’t say it enough, I will always love you. I will always feel it deep down, even when it hurts, and I don’t want to anymore. I don’t have a choice. I wish nothing but the best for you in everything you do. You are an amazing person, even though I voiced some frustrations I had with you. I already miss you so much more than I thought was possible, but I know this isn’t easy on you either.