Love Notes

Tonight, I found something that I haven’t looked at in a very long time. They were love notes from a girlfriend I had my senior year. I came out the following year when I went to Oregon State and learned a million and one things about myself.

I have this old tin container that I keep things from my past in. I knew there were some notes in there but had forgotten what all they entailed. The first note that I read was the note she gave me after we broke up. It was honestly heart wrenching because I was the antagonist in that story line.

The further I dug, the worse I felt but also this sense of nostalgia. Remembering parts of my past that I haven’t thought about in years. Like one of the notes read “Former Braces” as the address and I realized that this girl liked me even when I looked like a fuckin’ goob. Little things like that where it brings me to that moment in time in surreal vibrance.

My feelings were real. I was battling internal homophobia for myself at the same time, way WAY down deep but had been doing that since 13 so nothing new at the time. On a deep decision making level, I had decided that I needed fixing. I needed fixing and I needed it quietly. So I didn’t tell a soul until I was 18 years old.

I dated like any other teenage guy. I went on group dates with my friends and held girlfriends for multiple months. The most important realization I made tonight was remembering how I felt and that those feelings were real. I was exploring what it meant to love someone as a teenager so I didn’t do it right.

I made mistakes.

To this girl who shared her first kiss with me, I had to express a genuine apology. I know the likelihood of you reading this is slim to none but approaching you now is utterly and entirely inappropriate. It’s a bizarre thing how something from your past can make you feel but I believe it’s important to address it and learn from it, even when it stings.

You’re happy now, from what I can tell, and I’m really glad to see that because you really are a wonderful person.