Broken Down Busses & Rerouting

The more time that goes by in my life, the more I understand how things come to be. Life doesn’t give a shit about your plans. Period.

I remember growing up I always thought I’d be married by 24. At the time I thought it would be with a girl but when I finally came out I was still hoping for something serious by then. Here I am at 25 and not even close to my goal and having to do some serious rethinking on my goals and how achievable they are.

I remember in college I really wanted to date a frat guy. I knew he would be kind of a douche but I always hoped that I would be the one he’d be sweet to and I’d get to go to all the functions with him and be the envy of any other gay dude who wanted that. I have no idea why but I really wanted this and I remember the day I realized it would never happen. It was about halfway through my final year at the university. I literally didn’t have enough time to make my dream come true. Even if it did, we’d go down our separate roads after graduation because I already knew I was moving to Medford and it wasn’t up for discussion, especially in a relationship that would only have a few months by then.

Now, for those of you who don’t know me very well… Not getting my way and realizing that it was literally impossible took me a while to digest. I was like “wait… what?” I’ve always believed that if I really want something and it is a true desire that somehow I would end up with it. My life philosophy was rocked that year when I realized that I would never have the opportunity again to have my dream come true because college was almost over and it never happened.

Now I wonder how many other things won’t come true. Will I ever find someone I truly love? Will I settle? Will I just say “f*** it” and adopt kids by myself?

I’ve been in love once and loved twice. The first time I was head over heels, would’ve done anything for him. The second time I was foolish but still cautious and didn’t let my emotions get the absolute best of me in the end.

Both times circumstance took my happiness away. It wasn’t our choice to make, our life paths just didn’t travel together. They collided and then separated.

I learned a lot from these experiences but it has me jaded. I was just telling my friend the other day that I don’t even want to try dating anymore. I literally just don’t care. I think “well, I could go on a date with this guy, he’s pretty cute. Really though… It probably won’t work out."  So then I decide to have fun and hang out with my friends instead because I love my friends and they make me happy, while dating just seems to disappoint over and over.

I know everyone goes through this… and I don’t need any “someday blah blah blah.” You could be right or you could be wrong. I may never find the man of my dreams, it’s possible. However, I could look back at this one day and roll my eyes sitting next to my husband and children. My life plan is already set. Whatever happens is exactly what should.

I’m just too much of a dreamer for my own good and quite impatient.

It has been bothering me though. I’m predisposed to optimism but lately it’s been more on the pessimistic side and it feels like that’s the more realistic side simultaneously. It protects me from getting my hopes up like I’ve done my entire life.

Who knows what the future holds but right now I’m in the most opposite state of mind I’ve ever been in and I’m preparing for the fact that my dreams may not come true and I might just be one of those dudes that never find someone I truly connect with. Maybe my bus came and went.

Anywho, rant over. I have so much to be thankful for. My friends, family and professional development are at an all time high and I love my home in Southern Oregon. So it just goes to show that what I want and what I’m meant for are two different things and the big man has His plan for me despite the fact it’s not always ideal with my seemingly irrelevant timeline. So I will end this with my feelings on dating at the moment: